It is easy to forget that you’re living in a swamp when the streets are so conveniently paved. But don’t worry, if you choose to spend time in New Orleans, surely there will be reminders. For us, a month ago, it was the Box Elder Bugs. They were collecting in large piles outside and were beginning to make their way inside. Three weeks ago was the start of our delightful flea infestation and the reason we now wear white tube socks around the house. One week ago, the sugar ants started investigating the kitchen, though so far they have found nothing delicious. And see these dead termites? Yeah, the ones that floating in this flea trap?
They’re just a wee fraction of the swarm that broke through our fireplaces and circled our heads last night. Normally, our fireplaces drop little crumbs of brick, so when I heard the sound of little things hitting the cardboard blocker we put up, I didn’t think much of it. But it was getting pretty loud. Are the bricks completely crumbling right now?
Mike: What’s that sound?
Me: Just the fireplace. … ?
Me: [swats flying termite from crawling on my arm]
Mike: [buzzed by a different termite] It’s a termite!
Me: [looking up at the ceiling light and counting 10 circling] OMG look how many there are.
Mike: [turning off the lights] Quick! I need as much cardboard as I can get.
And then we discovered that they were pouring in through the brick in the bedroom fireplace.
Annnnnnnnnd the brick wall in the kitchen.
If I were a religious person, I might make reference to a plague of locusts to describe the way they shot out of the walls and into swarms in our house. As it is, I am not religious, so I compare them instead to minute 1:34 of this scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds:
Yeah. It was pretty much like that.
Well, I mean except for the part about pecking us to death. Termites don’t bite, pinch, or sting, so if you can get over having termites crawling on you while you’re sleeping (which I experienced for the first time last night and it was not awesome), it’s really not that big of a deal — unless you care that they’re totally chewing your house apart. And that, my friends, is in our landlord’s hands. #notahomeowner #donthavefurniture